The Search for Faith

I am fascinated by Wesley's description of his crisis of faith and what creates faith within someone. What is it about instantaneous conversion that continues to interest us today? What is the psychology surrounding it? There are many people I have met who have said, "I wish I could have faith but simply don't." It seems as though Wesley asked the same question of himself, though today I would address whether spirituality comes as part of a personality rather than from a culmination of spiritual experiences. Wesley cries "Lord, help thou my unbelief!" and essentially asks for meaning, which is what we still look for within our own studies. I think that many congregational leaders would identify a talent and ability towards spiritual leadership, as Wesley did, without the "fire" that kindles it. How prevalent is this ebb and flow of spirituality amongst church leadership? Does it come from the daily existential crises surrounding the constant questioning of Why and How, or from the brokenness of others that they see in every fashion due to their role as spiritual leader? I identify the notion that Wesley speaks of when he says "I began to aim at, and pray for, inward holiness. So that now, doing so much and living so good a life, I doubted not but I was a good Christian" as his description for the rote life of performance in order to create belief. It is something to consider in light of, as the author described, less references to the experience as time went on. I wonder if Wesley identified later a pattern to his belief as recorded here.